Fear and Frustration

Things are rough at home. I don't gel with the rest and apparently my attitude is the big problem. I admit I don't like living at home. Anyone that knows me, knows that. I also understand that my parents don't understand why. "Do this" and "do that" is the simple reason.

If I had a steady income...or one at all I would move out in a heartbeat...but I don't. I don't even have a job right now because of student teaching. And because of my choice of degree I can't even find a school looking for a PE teacher at the moment. I don't know what the future holds but I know it's gonna be hell if I can't find a way to get away from Virginia and out of my house.

I don't know what it is about being around here but it's really hard to maintain that positive attitude that this is where I'm supposed to be right now. It's such a frustrating place to be. A place I never asked to be, never wanted to be.

I never wanted to go to college.

I never wanted to try out for YouthQuest.

I never wanted to major in PE.

I never wanted any of it. It's just where I ended up. All those "I never's..." yeah those came from the parents.

I don't blame them for the crap that's come with the past 5 years...but it's incredibly difficult for me to stay positive with life.

I'm here, at the end of college, with no job offers and no life plan. I have no direction on where to go...only stupid dreams.

Dreams like:

- Traveling the U.S. speaking to high school students about having character and making wise choices.

- Getting back to playing music with a band.

- Finding that home church that I can be excited when I wake up on Sunday morning knowing I have somewhere I can go and SERVE not just sit and listen.

- Finding that guy.

- Starting over completely when it comes to life. A new town, new people, nobody to know the old me.

Take your pick but none of it has any chance of coming true. I can't apply for jobs all over the United States...it'd take me months because you don't apply to each state you apply to each city and county. Ugh. Direction would be nice. An alternative to if I can't find a teaching job would be nice. Instead I get nothing but fear and frustration.

The constant butting of heads. The constant lack of understanding. The constant frustration of always wanting me to do something. I can't take it anymore. Yeah, I'm a lot like my cousin except if I get kicked out...I have no where to go.

> Realist out.