Living. Breathing. Surviving...it's life.

Psalm 32:8 (NLT)- "The Lord says, 'I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.'"

I feel like I'm fighting the biggest battle I've ever been in...and I think I'm right. See the war is life. That war won't end until I die and then I'll find out if I won or lost and if I had an honorable discharge or a dishonorable one.

Life. A constant struggle for power. A quest for answers. A longing for purpose. A search for acceptance. A fear of failure. A wish for royalty. A want for easy. A need for normalcy.

Yet out of all those things normal is something we will never find so why the need for it? Ha, the funny thing is normal only happens in the movies...and movies aren't real!

Easy. Oh if life could be easy we would enjoy it more right? Wrong. We would become so bored so quickly and once again the want would still be there.

Oh to be rich and successful. Royalty? What good does royalty do you if you are all alone? If there is no one to share the goodies with what's the point in having the goodies? Knowing you have royalty is never good enough unless there is someone beneath your level of royalty to show it off to.

Fear. The one thing we hate, yet some live off of it. To fail means you did something wrong, correct? Well, the answer to that is yes but there is more to it. Once again if we never failed there would be no learning, no growing. Failing only hurts you if you refuse to get back up and try again.

Acceptance. We all want it. We all think we need it. We all search for it. And we all forget that we already have it. There is but One that we should want acceptance from and He's already accepted us so why do we search the world for something that can't be found?

What's my purpose? Ever cried out before the Lord wishing He would speak out in His "thunderous" voice from Heaven and give you the answer? We all want to know. See with me I have many dreams and goals that I want to achieve in my life, yet I have no idea if that has anything to do with God's plans for my life. How do I know I'm on the right track? I mean, my dreams all have to do with ministry and outreach and show Jesus to the world, but what if I'm the one running down Selfish Wrong Turn Lane when I should be walking down Reliance Road? I have daily routines and in the midst of my tiny routine falls spontaneous popups of entertainment, work, school, ministry, parents, friends, life. As hard as it is to find my purpose in life, heck I can't even find my purpose for one day! For all I know I could have fulfilled it and had no stinkin' clue that I did. How can I go to sleep peacefully at night and know that I allowed God to use me when I really don't know?

And the million dollar question always needs an Answer. So many times I ask God one hundred questions and never wait for the answers. I never read the manual to search for the answers. I never stop thinking and start listening for the answers. I never seek guidance. I never search. I never look. So in conclusion I never get my answers. And whose fault is that? Mine. I'm lazy. I'd rather complain. I'd rather whine and say "woe is me" than praise the Lord saying "Holy is the One in whom I should abide." Mmm, chew on that.

See, when everything boils down and we look at life, life is just a constant struggle for power. In my life, I want to be in control, because when I am in control I feel safe. Except that when I'm in control everything falls apart. I screw up and I try to fix things and I make it worse. Give up. Give in. This is what Christ whispers and when I do, oh man, it's like I'm 50 pounds lighter! See, when I'm on a quest, or when I long, search or fear....when I wish, want, or need...I never get it.

Life is never easy. For example, one night I decided to give up my struggle to God and the next day seems twice as worse as before. So I come back to my room and I turn on praise music and I sit on my bed so angry, so full of questions...so tired of fighting, and ready to give up. I scream at God wondering why things didn't go perfectly when last night I gave over my struggle. And then I remember that the Devil attacks everyone, especially those that hinder his evil goals. So my anger turns to pride and I begin to boast in my head that I must be doing something right for everything to feel like it's going wrong. Once again God brings me back to reality, and I pause......The anger is still there, the pride inside of me is crushed because I don't want trials. I begin telling God I don't want to deal with anything just get me out of here. My emotions begin to rise and as angry as I am the hurt surpasses it all. Now I don't care what's going on all I know is I don't want to be here to see it all play out. I'm done. I'm through. I told God I couldn't handle it. I proved I couldn't. I tried and failed at life so give me the easy way out...take me home. And once I stopped talking...and when I finally stop thinking...I feel Him. And He takes me and gently says "I need you here on Earth."

So what's my purpose? God needs me...that should be enough.

Life. Can you handle it? I'm learning to survive by sticking close to the only One who knows the way.



>the open Realist.


Psalm 73:25-26 (NLT)- "Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.