Some things aren't as easy to get over as they seem. At first when you feel you have finally conquered your one vice, it's a great feeling. It seems that that specific thing that was holding you down was permanently gone...until it reappears.
So you cause conflict or resolve bitterness, you move on, you deal with it instead of putting it off hoping that by some chance THIS will be the final thing that solves those problems...and it doesn't work.
You've already given it up to God. You know you can't fight the battle alone. You go for a while and things seem great...until something happens...and what's sad is it doesn't even have to be something specific...just something...and it ruins everything. And you find yourself sitting in the puddle of mud that you started in. And honestly you just want to cry because you are out of options, nothing makes sense, and that feeling...that hurt/upset/disgusting feeling won't go away.
Nothing helps. nothing will ever change the outcome. You changing yourself and the way you think doesn't seem to help. Nothing is working. Nothing is changing, things just seem to be going backwards instead of forwards. You had a big discussion that has brought everything out in the open and you walked away knowing there was no more problem between the two of you, yet things now seem WORSE!?!?!?!
Why. that's not supposed to be how it works. THAT doesn't make sense. THAT was not what was supposed to happen.
I'm out of options, because I think sometimes people don't realize that giving it up to God isn't enough to change the outcome. The devil is alive and well people and he sticks around just to see you fall again...and again...and again. And he'll sit there and laugh at you when you can't stand your own ground. He'll laugh when you can't beat the one vice that is driving you away from the people you love and the things you are called to do. And it sucks really bad. And it hurts, and the end result is you are left sitting on the floor of your room with this feeling of helpless despair and you don't know how to express yourself but to just lay on the floor face down in complete silence. Inside you are screaming at yourself to get over it, move on, you can't fix this. This is permanent and there is no changing it.
And forever you realize you will be left without the one thing you've been striving after your entire life. And when you let that sink in...you cry out in anger and pain...and slowly slip into sleep...afraid of what the morning holds.
1 comment:
yeah.
I guess when you give it to God you expect everything to be so much better, for all problems to be gone. And when it isn't, you wonder why, why God wouldn't make it go away - what's taking so long, and when a small bit does get better, you're stoked, and then it goes 5 steps back.
Most of this could be written by me.
This stirred my heart, it's making me feel.
Praying for whatever situation you are in, if it's with a friend, your future, whatever. I'll be praying that God gives you discernment for how to handle everything, and how to seek Him better. ..I guess I'll see you at Revolution! :)
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