Christmas. My favorite time of the year literally. I hold high expectations for Christmas. Everything about it has the potential to take my crappy mood and turn it 180. Anything you list about Christmas except shopping...well I LOVE it.
But this Christmas...this Christmas was different. I barely listened to Christmas music, I knew things would be different I just wasn't sure HOW different they would turn out to be until it got here. For one, I didn't have a present for my mom until the very last minute and that was stressful to me. I like things to be perfect for Christmas so when there's a glitch in my plan my world starts to fall apart.
This Christmas I didn't go shopping for anyone but family.
This Christmas was filled of memories of what used to be but would never be again.
This Christmas I couldn't stop trying to look to the future and I wish for things to be.
This Christmas I had a hard time finding joy in anything and I wished for it to be over...luckily on December 26th that wish came true...ha. Christmas is always over for another 364 days on December 26th for those who didn't get it.
Family has changed. The trip to Florida I wanted to be over before it started. I was stressed packing, I didn't get much sleep before hand, and I was just ready to come home before I'd even left! Family circumstances have left me mind boggled for eternity. The way my family keeps changing keeps taking away pieces of my heart and it pains me to think about.
I have SO many questions not for God but for MY FAMILY...and I can't ask them. It wouldn't be right to ask them or it would just cause complete chaos and considering I go to Florida for less than a week I decide to keep peace instead of asking what's really on my mind.
As I look back on how things went this Christmas I'm highly disappointed. I'm hurt. It's things I'll never get over and people I'll never understand. It's the unspoken questions that will haunt me.
New Years Eve has never been a party for me. I've always gone to bed before it came and turned my phone off or I watched the ball drop sitting alone on my couch and then turned off the tv and went to bed. This year I worked Winterfest and I honestly wished I was at home alone watching the ball drop because it's quiet and peaceful that way.
There are certain things about holiday's that society portrays that proves to be untrue when you look at reality and then factor in the key ingredients of your specific family. I hate it.
I guess there's always things to fix and things to work on, but you figure that some things would get pushed aside for the holiday's so that everyone can feel loved and enjoy being around each other...
What was the point of this blog you may ask? Well I had jumbled up thoughts and I needed to get it straight. You may read this and find it was a waste of your time...I don't really care because it probably doesn't pertain to you at all and you probably can't relate. If the latter is what you're thinking then I'm thankful for you that you can't relate.
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