I never got the boat...

My Life.

I think I've finally gotten a mental picture of what my life looks like. Picture the ocean where as far as the eye can see there's nothing but water. Then place one cloud in the sky. Add a lifesaver ring and me hanging out in it. 

...there's my life.

The cloud is God. He shades me some days. He rains on me others. He's always a constant just not always in the ways I'd like Him to be. I can look at the cloud and dream or find different pictures in the cloud but in reality it's still a cloud. 

Think about Peter in the Bible. He was on the boat. It got stormy. He saw Jesus. He stepped off the boat to meet Jesus. He was fine until he looked down and saw the storm. Then he started to drown and then Jesus saved him.

To me, I never even got the boat...
I never got to step out in faith because I feel I've been swimming in faith my entire life. 

...now back to the picture.

The ocean is sometimes calm, peaceful and serene. It's a great getaway. It can also be stormy with major waves tossing you around. Or you can have just those fun waves that when you close your eyes at night you feel like you're still on the waves. 
...that's my life. Storm. Calm. Storm. Calm. Storm in the distance...oh yay it passed by.

Maintaining days, bad days, in between days, bad days, lonely days, dreaming days, bad days, stormy days (lots of those)...

Get the picture?

Through it all I see God, the cloud, as my Protector. He's my Provider. The One who's always been there for me and a constant that I know will never leave. He's faithful and He fights for me. 

But honestly, I don't ever think I've really seen Him as good to me. Don't get me wrong He's everything I'll ever need and no one can compare to the Lord but somehow I feel I've missed getting any of His goodness.

Lots of trials and living on faith in a world where the evil people are winning at life and I feel I'm helplessly floating with zero direction and no way out. Again...I didn't even get a boat to step off of. I was just dropped in...with a lifesaver ring of course. 

I know where I'm going when I die. I know who I am in Christ. I know what He did for me on the cross. I know I am serving Him and making a difference every day in the environment and atmosphere He has placed me...but there's no goodness. 

I don't see how I can stay here forever but in my sight there's no way out. I don't need understanding and I don't need direction. I just want to know my entire life isn't going to be spent being tossed by waves aimlessly around this world.

I haven't even mentioned the fact I'm the only human in the water. You know that verse about it's better to marry than burn with passion? I hate that verse because my heart desires to get married yet I don't see God moving me from the ocean. I don't need a man but I'd like one...really, really bad. 

I guess I feel that I need purpose and right now I don't see it.

I know I'm right where the Lord wants me to be. I just want to know is this all I have to look forward to. If so, I'll stop dreaming. If not, then when will I get rescued?

Choices

I downloaded two days ago "Love Riot" by Worth Dying For. I've been afraid to listen to it because I know what it does to me. I just pushed play on track 1 and I'm already there. Do you know what I'm talking about? That feeling, that slip into that special place. A place you can't explain but you know...you're there. Earlier I bet you were asking yourself "What does it do to her?" It wrecks me.

I'm tired of looking at pictures and videos, reading statuses and twitter updates, and thinking to myself "I miss this."

It's time to wake up and move on. Friendships have died. Family has grown apart. People I know and care deeply for have given up or moved on and now want nothing to do with me. I'm too young for this, but this is life.

"We stand up, we rise up, to give our lives up for this."

That's all I want. I want to give up my life and it matter.

My life is not mine.

I'm not pushing the buttons.

I'm not planning the course.

I'm not picking the direction.

I'm not drawing the map.

I'm not doing anything except going through the motions planned by my CHOICES.

Ever think that you set yourself up to be where you are? By not doing or doing something you've picked the place you currently find yourself. It's like the Lord has given me too much freedom and I wish He'd pull all my strings instead of giving me leeway and allowing me to make the stupid choice.

I'm all wrapped up in my own mind and I can't find a way out. It's hard work to constantly smile and think the day is better because He's here with me. Sometimes I just don't want to smile. Of course He always proves me wrong, but still sometimes I allow the devil to get the best of me.

My favorite part of Christmas is going to Florida to see the family. I always get to be crazy with the cousins, take pictures, and make silly memories...and that's all I want. I just wish those that have chosen the path with hard consequences would still realize they can let go and have fun.

"For those who lost their way You are the answer. You are my guarantee."

Jesus is Christmas. There is nothing else and no one else that fill empty hearts. Now, that's hope.

"Jesus Your name, is more than a name. It's given me hope, it's given me life...no other name but Jesus saves."

He's not done yet...or I'd be dead.

> the hopeful Realist

1st Semester of Teaching

This Thursday I will finish my first semester of my teaching career! Three classes of 9th and 10th grade girls full of unique personalities! It's been a whirlwind couple of months and all of it has been awesome!

These teenagers have taught me more than they'll ever know. They've tried my patience on days when I had none left.

They've also made me laugh when there was nothing to laugh about.

I introduced them to the best show on television, The SingOff. (Some of them still wonder how I ever found time to watch the show!)

I opened them up to a world where PE could be fun and exciting and interesting. They showed me that they actually can have fun in situations where boring is the only word for things. It makes my day every time they ask to play a game that I've taught them! Especially when it's The Foot Game or Cupball! If you asked anybody else, not in class, to play those games they'd look at you like you were crazy...but they're my favorite :)

I love these kids. I care about them more than they'll ever realize. I've seen them cry over bad grades or when a boy broke their heart. I watched some trust me to take care of issues and others attempt to solve it themselves only making matters worse.

Oh and I haven't even mentioned the girls on my JV basketball team or the Varsity chicks! Coaching basketball has been a progressive uphill walk with speed bumps along the way. I'm continuously learning. Practice is harder than coaching the games. Sometimes they listen to what I say and other times I wonder why I even bother to speak, haha.

Overall so many of these students have a very special place in my heart as they have created memories I will never forget because you only get to have a 1st year once and I'm thankful mine is at CHS. No other public high school have I stepped foot in where a student walks in and the conversation starts with "What are you reading in the Bible lately?" Or "So the preacher was talking yesterday and here's what I don't get..." Or ever prayer at faculty gatherings being genuine and not written out and it ending with "in Jesus name".

I am blessed that even through all trials my God is still with me and that even when I overreact to little situations He repeatedly proves He's got it all under control.

On another note it will continue to blow my mind how I get hurt when "friends" don't spend time with me yet sometimes I turn around and do the same thing to God. #babysteps

> the wide-open, Realist

Salt-stained cheeks two nights in a row and for the first time all year I wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow. This sucks.