It’s so easy, but still so hard. See you on the flip side.

It's so easy to come running back,
but it's so hard to stay.

It's easy to crawl to the foot of the cross and pour out your heart.
It's hard to wake up the next day and still believe it.

It's SO easy to say I forgive you,
but it's so hard to forget...

It's easy to admit mistakes.
It's hard to move past them.

For me personally, it's easy for me to be friendly,
yet it's SO extremely hard for me to make friends.

It's easy to be nice.
It's hard to love.

It's easy to run away,
but it's impossible to get rid of what you're running from.

It's easy to smile.
It's hard to mean it.

False happiness is easy.
Pure joy is difficult.

There's a flip side to everything...and it's the flip side that will kill you.

Xtreme Believers Summer '08

This was my youth group this summer. I was the intern and at the end of the summer we have what's called Youth Sunday where the youth get to do something fun for the church and we show a video of what we did all summer.

Here's the video I created. Enjoy and please comment!

The Body...wow.

Please watch this completely till the end. If you are not amazed at how God works by the end of this then you may need to go check your heart.

Believe.

Believe, believe they shout over and over again
Believe, believe it’s the simplest of concepts
Believe, belive believe….


It’s doesn’t matter how loud they shout
It doesn’t matter the amount of times it’s said
There are some who will, dare I say it
Turn and walk away, do nothing but shake their head

“I can’t see it with my eyes,” they cry
Why does it take so much?
“Can’t touch it with my hands”
Why can’t you see????

He’s been here all along from the very beginning
He’s right there behind you, waiting.
All it takes is “faith”.
“hold up that’s a church word”
Well maybe if you knew the definition.
You say you need so much proof...


(sigh)

So I’m sitting here outside…ahhhh the summertime.
You want to know my favorite thing about the summer? FIREFLIES!
I love to watch them light up and to chase them and catch them, just to let them go two seconds later. It’s an amazing world we live in.

I’m in this DLP English class and no matter the amount of homework I have due right now I feel just relieved and completely stress free. I’m sitting outside enjoying all of the bugs, and the sounds of the trees. Where I’m at this summer there are woods all around, so to find the quiet of God…is easy.

My God is real to me, and I think sometimes I don’t show it enough. I worship hard. I always have and always will, but there’s something else. It’s when everyone is still that I have this need to break the silence with my excitement, but I hold back and keep it all inside.

It’s the utter weirdness of going crazy in worship with God…at my house…in my room…alone, screaming at the top of my lungs…and I hold back. Watching an amazing sermon with worship that sets me on fire…and I sit still.

I would love to give a shout of triumph over the enemy right now…but I might wake the neighbors…it is 10 o’clock at night. I have these day dreams…when I’m just laying in bed living the pieces of my life that I want to explore but I’ll go where God places me…and it’s in those moments that I give God the thanks that He deserves to see in everyday life. It’s going to pray and not thinking about what everyone else expects you to say. It’s praying to ONE…no matter how many people are in the room. It’s taking as much time as you think you need, even if everyone else is waiting for you to say amen. It’s living a life of freedom from the expectations of those around you.

That’s what this summer is for me. Freedom to worship, freedom to live, freedom to speak, freedom to break loose, freedom to jump high, freedom to dance hard.

Free… it’s that thing that you always know is there, yet you’ve never truly experienced it for yourself. It’s the thing you see in other people’s lives, and you wish you had it in yours. Freedom is confidence. Freedom is joy. I don’t mean happiness, I mean joy.

It is loving the fact of who you are and where you are no matter what’s going on. It’s knowing that within you is the most powerful being ever…

Can you handle that? Do you think you have it? Do you think you could actually do whatever you want…for your God…without looking to the right or the left to see who’s watching?

i. dare. you.

Try it…if only for ONE NIGHT. Yep, I gave you the night when all is dark and you’re not around many.

…one night…I dare you…

Holy Spirt rain...

Lakeland, Florida. My hometown. The place that if I got an offer to go back I'd drop everything. It's an unspoken desire of my heart. I will go wherever the Lord leads, but if I could choose...

Starting at the very beginning of April a church brought in an evangelist for a week of revival. Well...that revival hasn't stopped and it's moved from all of the big arenas in the area...to an air field that seats 12,000 people. And it's packed. I wish, I was there.

God TV (channel 365 on Directv) shows it live at night...it's incredible it sends shudders and chills up and down my body. You think God can't reach you through the tv?
You think God can't hear you when you scream?
You think God can't move through a song on the radio, or a song from your cd, or the sound of Creation?
You're telling me that God can't reach you through the touch of another person?
You're telling me that you can sit through an entire Sunday morning and say that God wasn't screaming for YOU????

...have you lost your mind?

This selfish society in which we lives says that when we go to church we must be entertained, and God has to come through overdone powerpoints, and action packed "worship". WORSHIP??? Do you even know what that is anymore? Go read the Psalms. Go back to the beginning.

Are you trying to tell me that God can't move through an old hymn sung just by the organ? It doesn't have to be a huge stage, with big flashing lights, and a top-of-the-line band.
Who said a talented praise band creates worship???

God said BELIEVE and you. will. receive.
...so what are you waiting for?

People are watching God tv from all over the world. And they are responding of the Lord touching their lives, one by one. Night after night after night.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE CALLED "REVIVAL"...for God to move.

It requires you to OPEN your heart.

Oh...that sounds so simple...okay, I'll pray my little prayer and then BAM! it'll happen. No, it doesn't work like that.
Get past judging the singer, get past judging the prayer, get past judging the preacher/speaker.

GET REAL!

God CAN use you. God WANTS to use you. Can you admit to yourself that you want to be used?

Lord use my life for Your glory. I am open and ready for You to take over my life like never before.

GET fired up about something!!! Get excited about something!!! Pick a side and then go forward full force!

In the end you'll see, it's worth it. Every minute being used by God is worth it.

USE ME.

This is the story with the setting not important...

I feel like it's time to write again
yet what's the topic and where does the story begin
It’s been awhile and it seems I’m kinda rusty
it doesn't matter just you watch I’m gonna bust this out


This is the story with the setting not important
cuz when I’m with you the world fades
And starting over always feels right
closing the door to my past ways

So let the story unfold with him holding the girl
and her eyes closed once again with the setting black
It’s who you're with, not where you are
forget the place but don't forget who's beside you

He's the main character, let him take the lead
just follow right beside him, do as he does
And watch the world around you change colors above
And now the setting begins to take shape
as your heart grows warm, and your mindset breaks

This is the story with the setting unimportant
cuz when I’m with you the world fades
And starting over just feels right
the door to my past is shut real tight

Let’s end this out, remember what it's about
the story ends when she works things out,
She’s moved on, she's grown, and with him she's known
all along that he's gone nowhere
Always standing behind her, how did she not know he was there

This was the story with the setting unimportant
cuz when she's with him the world fades
And starting over will always feel right
The door to her past is now fading fast
as she follows him to a brighter day

...And the saddest part of it all...

I've been betrayed.

On Wednesday my life came to a crashing halt. Once again reality set in as things in my life have forever changed.
Since then I haven't eaten one decent meal...because I'm no longer hungry.
My jaw won't stop hurting, and my head echoes that pain.
I have not gone one night without my face getting wet.
I can't seem to sleep when it's time to sleep.

My true friends were revealed, yet the liars still hide.
It is always said that "people have said" yet no one ever names those people. They are cowards. Every last one of them. To tell me after it's too late that there are serious issues that needed to be dealt with...what's the point.
I was put on the chopping block and kissed goodbye.

I have forever lost friends. I don't even know why I called them that to begin with because time and again they have sold me out. I have gone to them in confidence and they have thrown my words back in my face.

Then there are those who in their eyes are still my "friends". But when it comes to the tough questions I ask they refuse to answer. They dodge it by changing the subject, or generalizing the statement, or questioning why I want to know.

I don't know why I put up with those people...oh wait...I remember...because I use them for what I can get out of them.

It is next to impossible to find the full package of friendship. So when people come into my life and relationships have begun I use discernment with how much I trust them, and how much I expect out of them. Each person I have in mind I could tell you specifically how much I trust them, and how I expect nothing...out of any of them that I deem my "friends".

What has been removed from my life I no longer want to be a part of. Although I cannot stop thinking about it. Not a day has passed that I haven't spent more than an hour trying to figure out where I went wrong.

How do you call someone your friend when they are not willing to pull you aside and discuss a failure they see in you, but they only say it through the love of Christ.

GET REAL!

Oh wait...no one has with me...either they are all lying...or I will be forever blind and my questions will forever fall on deaf ears.

I. don't. understand.

I keep telling myself that, but talking to myself will never get answers. It wasn't worth fighting over when fifteen minutes after the decision was made everyone knew. Once again I wasn't told that a public alert was going to be made.

But I still asked, and I still tried to remain humble and I still got the same answer...nothing.

I have checked myself, and rechecked, and my questions still seem to fall on deaf ears. From those I care to know the truth most the only answer I get from them is "I don't know". How can you not know? Are you playing the fool or do you know and just won't say? Did you see this coming but you don't love me enough to tell me? Do you not pay attention to your surroundings or do you think you are just to nice and sweet that you couldn't dare get real with anyone...not even when they ask you point blankly.

I hate people like that. Now don't go telling me hate is a strong word...like heck I don't already know that. So shut your freakin' pie hole.

If you don't have the guts to get real with me I beg you to get out of my life because I don't need butt kissers, I need a friend. I don't need someone to hold me when I'm down, I need someone to push me when I'm up.

I don't need your fake nonsense. If you knew there was a problem why in heaven did you wait until you deemed it too late to let me know this was a serious issue? You're not a friend and I REGRET ever calling you one. The one thing I don't regret is kicking your "friendship" to the curb...forever.

Forever is a long time...and I'm prepared for that.

I barely know how to walk straight as I feel I have to keep looking over my shoulder to see who's judging me but won't let me know how I'm doing. You jerks.

I am forever betrayed...once again...by those I had trusted the most.

...and the saddest part of it all is that this isn't the first time I've been betrayed...


I'm the REAList...so GET REAL or GET LOST!

From a great weekend, to a silent week

So my weekend was packed with a ton of stuff!

Let's start on Friday. I cleaned, and cleaned, and cleaned some more! That evening Point of Quest came over and we baked, watched a movie, FILMED a movie, and FORKED someone's yard at 1:30 in the MORNING! It was amazing and I had a blast.
(See edited picture below)


Okay continuing on. Saturday consisted of going to bed at 4:30am and waking up at 8:30am. Yeah...that time is correct. Who the heck wants to be up that early??? NOT ME! But it's okay. Later I headed up to D12 for an afternoon of fun because it was Happy Fun Spring Day! I had a blast! I took Diesel with me, and he loved the attention. I went down the slip 'n' slide, ate a grilled burger, talked with the girls and the bro dorm, and played volleyball. I impressed the boys with the spiral I threw when we played catch with the football. AMAZING!


Sunday was a chill day. I went to church by myself and sat in the back. Then I ate lunch with my family. I got my haircut later (I cut 4 inches off of it). That night was the YouthQuest banquet that lasted 4 HOURS! Insane! It was so long...and not that entertaining, but whatev. It was a little fun, but I didn't even get dessert! Boo! I got stuck wearing a dress...I hate them. They are uncomfortable and I can't be myself in them. ick!

This week consists of planning for the summer, 1 exam tomorrow morning, working, and getting ready for my first DLP class which begins on Monday. Let's top it off with it's English...suck. Also next Monday is the beginning of my practicum which lasts till Thursday. That should be interesting.

I'm just trying to make it by. Everyone's leaving. Course in a couple weeks so am I but until then...I'm stuck coming home every night and spending the evening alone. I guess it's the summer beginning early. It's a good thing I have so many "friends" on facebook. I have no idea what I'd do without them. (sarcasm)

Today I hiked up in the mountains for 2 and a half hours. It was insane, but I felt good afterwards. It was great! And the puppies lasted the entire time! I'm so proud of Lacy and Diesel!

That's all for now. Short and sweet and to the point.

The Leftover Piece

You've been there. You know what I'm talking about although at this moment in time you're highly confused about the title of this blog.

Sometimes you need a prop to do the explaining for you, so here are your instructions. Go and find two puzzles. Take one puzzle and put it together leaving one piece out. Then open the other puzzle and take out one piece and sit it beside the final piece left to go into the finished puzzle. NOW, let's talk.

You know that odd puzzle piece, the one that doesn't fit? That piece is what I'm talking about. The one who can't find their place, never quite fits in with the group, can't ever make it into the acceptance circle. The whole be yourself, be unique thing only works when you have friends who support you for who you are.

You will always be yourself around yourself...but is that enough?

Everyone is trying to find their place in this world. Like the Michael W. Smith song, it seems next to impossible sometimes. Quoting Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz "there's no place like home" but to me that only works for some people. I want to go and see and do...but not alone. I want to feel what I see other people feeling, I want to have what they have, and the memories they have...

I want to feel like I am a part of something big...and I want to get to the place 10 years from now...to where I still have at least one person to call and talk to where I can say the phrase "do you remember the time..." Is that too much to ask for? Is that too much to handle?

I watch people in college all the time who have found the wrong crowd to be a part of. They never quite fit in, and eventually they are left alone. Or the friends who drop me for the bigger name, but when they get in trouble they call me. But it only lasts until they are out of trouble and then once again, they dump me, because for some reason I'm not good enough.

Christ is supposed to be everything to us, yet in the beginning he created Eve to be a companion to Adam even though Adam had God to walk and talk to every day!

Sometimes vision can be blinded when we look at that complete puzzle and the one piece left out. There are two different perspectives to look at; no I believe there are three... First you have the person who looks at the complete puzzle and they smile and think "yeah that's my crew." They feel they have made it as they have intertwined relationships with many people that they can count on for anything. Secondly, you have the person that only notices the leftover piece that doesn't fit. All they can see is how that piece doesn't belong and how it is all alone.

The third and final view is the optimist. They see the finished puzzle and have the feeling of accomplishment although they themselves were not the ones to build it. Also, they feel the pain of the odd piece left out, but here is the difference. That third person makes the decision to find a place for the left out piece. Mr. Third decides to start another puzzle with the one odd piece...but how can you build a puzzle with just one piece? How can you have a network of things intertwined if there is only one?

It's impossible. You know that oldies song "It Takes Two"? Everything is better in pairs. My challenge is to dare you to look past your perfect little cookie cutter life. Find the one most unsuspecting person who looks alone and invite them in. I don't mean you feel sorry for them so you say they can hang out...

I mean find Jesus within you and decide on your own that you WANT to be friends with the person who can't seem to keep any of their own. YOU make the first move. YOU get out of your comfort zone. YOU take your little 5 piece puzzle and make it 6...and then 7...and then 8...

It's not that harder to say come hang out. The hard part comes when you make the choice to start a relationship with the person and you decide to ask them to hang out the second time...

You want to grow in Christ? It doesn't have to do with the "be the bigger person deal". It has to do with being Christ. Shining the light of Jesus isn't enough if we stand in one place. It's when you touch someone with the light of Christ and now they have the light too...that's how the light spreads and darkness fades.

The Patrick Chronicles-- The Goodbye

Expectations can hurt one's heart. Reading into actions or assuming something will happen and then it does not occur only leaves you feeling down.

Emma had just left class and was heading up to Patrick's room to tell him goodbye. Today was the beginning of Thanksgiving break and although he was excited she was not. As soon as he appeared she knew she was not on his mind. Feeling a little disappointed but beginning to think more logically she greeted him warmly.

"Hi Patrick!" she said. "How are you doing?" Patrick responded in a friendly tone. After exchanging the usual polite answers and once again commenting on the beautiful weather there is a pause in the conversation as neither one knows what to say. The feeling is mildly awkward and uncomfortable, yet bearable.

"Have you forgotten anything?" She asks, not caring if he answered for she was just trying to break the silence. "Well, not that I can remember, but hold on and let me get my forgotten list out of my pocket," he replies jokingly. She smiles. The silence slowly returning Patrick quickly breaks it saying "Well, I must go, but I will see you in a week Emma." He gives her a friendly side hug. She silently utters "no", but replies "I'll see you in a week. Goodbye Patrick!"

As she turns and walks slowly away the disappointment creeps quickly into her heart. "From now on I shall go about this relationship in a logical manner.” She tells herself. "I'm tired of becoming disappointed because I have been silly and have taken his acts of kindness to mean something more." Emma slowly grasps the door handle of Elizabeth's dormitory and with a final thought tells herself, "No more expectations, only logical thinking from now on."

The Patrick Chronicles-- Beginning

"My imagination cannot stop the thoughts running through my head...can this be real?" she asks herself.

She sees him for the first time today and her eyes light up as joy overflows inside her heart. As his eyes glance ahead and he sees her, his face begins to glow and he smiles. Now this smile was no ordinary smile, for it was not a smile of friendship.

They embrace in a side hug. She thinks to herself, "this is different, this is special, this hug has lasted longer and felt closer than any other hug before." Quickly she stops herself and the thoughts that have now flooded her mind. "No no, I must go about this cautiously and not allow myself to get caught up in emotions," she thinks.

Now as the two walk side by side through the building and outside small talk begins as he asks about her day. She outwardly states that "it is a good day and all is going well," but inwardly she is finding it hard to suppress her excitement and happiness. She greatly wants to tell him all of the feelings she has for him, yet she holds fast to the thought that her time will soon come.

"And how is your day going Patrick?" she asks. Not really wanting an answer for she just wants to hear his voice. He states that he is fine and comments on the weather. "Oh how I love this weather!" He says with so much excitement in his voice and she softly agrees. They continue walking closely together, yet not touching.

Her eyes drift to the trees as she begins to doubt that he feels more than friendship with her. She begins to question herself thinking "Am I reading into his actions? Has a misinterpretation taken place? Could I possibly be ruining a lifelong friendship over my feelings?" She stops herself, and slowly breathes as she glances over into his soft blue eyes.

"Shall I see you tonight after church? He asks. She warmly answers, "Yes! I shall call you later this evening." His response confirmed all of her thoughts, feelings, and emotions as he replied, "I look forward to it." They part with the usual cordial handshake, but this time again it was different.

As she turns and continues walking down the sidewalk she looks ahead at the foggy, leafless trees, notices the leaves strewn all over the ground and smiles to herself thinking "yes, it's real...it's beautiful."

Take me back...just for a moment

Last night I walked outside to get something out of my car. For once, although it's winter, it didn't feel that cold. I paused as I opened my passenger door and looked up into the sky. Man...the stars were so beautiful! The constellations produced a gorgeous display of God's creativity across the black canvas!

I couldn't help but stop and look around me. I was reminded of the good times. I remember when I used to sit outside with friends till 1 or 2am just talking. We'd bring out the lawn chairs from the garage and just hang out and deepen our friendships. It was awesome. Those were some times of good I'll never forget, and always wish I could go back to...just for a moment. I just want to go back to that feeling.

It seems the places that I go back and visit are filled with reminders of what things used to be. I like change and I don't mind it...sometimes. I do hate, when I go back and look at pictures and think to that time, and notice how those people are no longer in my life, or the way things started with that picture being taken...is not how things are now. It's hard to realize that God's plan is bigger, and some changes, though they may be bad RIGHT now, later on when the end result comes, will show God's power and wisdom.

Everywhere you go you will find memories. For me there are certain roads that I drive around in town that I can think back to a specific situation where something that happened either strengthened my relationship with someone...or it's where the friendship ended. There is a point in our lives that everyone has to pause and finally believe that without Christ we would not have the strength to take our next step.

At Thomas Road last week, Jonathan read a story that came from my extended family. My aunt was in the kitchen and she turned to her kids (my cousins) and asked "who will help me unload the dishwasher?" There was silence coming from my cousins and so she paused for a moment then she turned and asked the question again "who will help me unload the dishwasher?" My cousin Michael, who is 7 years old, yelled out from in the living room "Not I, but Christ!” Hahahaha, I was laughing so hard when I heard this story! You know, it means just one thing...even the children are paying attention in church!

Okay, so that was random and off topic, but it was hilarious and the one statement of Not I, but Christ fits. Christ has a plan, Christ will always have His way in your life, and I’m just learning to take His path instead of the scenic route...

Sometimes the floor is all that smells good...

Some things aren't as easy to get over as they seem. At first when you feel you have finally conquered your one vice, it's a great feeling. It seems that that specific thing that was holding you down was permanently gone...until it reappears.

So you cause conflict or resolve bitterness, you move on, you deal with it instead of putting it off hoping that by some chance THIS will be the final thing that solves those problems...and it doesn't work.

You've already given it up to God. You know you can't fight the battle alone. You go for a while and things seem great...until something happens...and what's sad is it doesn't even have to be something specific...just something...and it ruins everything. And you find yourself sitting in the puddle of mud that you started in. And honestly you just want to cry because you are out of options, nothing makes sense, and that feeling...that hurt/upset/disgusting feeling won't go away.

Nothing helps. nothing will ever change the outcome. You changing yourself and the way you think doesn't seem to help. Nothing is working. Nothing is changing, things just seem to be going backwards instead of forwards. You had a big discussion that has brought everything out in the open and you walked away knowing there was no more problem between the two of you, yet things now seem WORSE!?!?!?!

Why. that's not supposed to be how it works. THAT doesn't make sense. THAT was not what was supposed to happen.

I'm out of options, because I think sometimes people don't realize that giving it up to God isn't enough to change the outcome. The devil is alive and well people and he sticks around just to see you fall again...and again...and again. And he'll sit there and laugh at you when you can't stand your own ground. He'll laugh when you can't beat the one vice that is driving you away from the people you love and the things you are called to do. And it sucks really bad. And it hurts, and the end result is you are left sitting on the floor of your room with this feeling of helpless despair and you don't know how to express yourself but to just lay on the floor face down in complete silence. Inside you are screaming at yourself to get over it, move on, you can't fix this. This is permanent and there is no changing it.

And forever you realize you will be left without the one thing you've been striving after your entire life. And when you let that sink in...you cry out in anger and pain...and slowly slip into sleep...afraid of what the morning holds.

The perfect life...or what's left of it...

The perfect life is supposed to be purpose driven...right?
So what if you don't know your purpose?
Or what if your dreams are different than your God given purpose?
What if you have many dreams that all seem like great ideas but the path you have to follow is only leading you away?

What if you have many similar dreams that could perhaps be your purpose but right now nothing makes sense? Or how about when you wake up in the morning for class and you're not even sure why you're going. There's no sense of adventure...the most adventure you get is when you dream at night...and you have no control over those dreams. The only dreams you have control over are the daydreams...those are the one's that make sense...because you created them. You choose what happens. You are in control...so of course it all makes sense to you.

Everyone tells you to dream...and dream BIG... but in the end...if your dreams aren't logical and hold a way that makes your future look bright...then you will get told to let go of your dreams and live in reality. To me... reality sucks. There is no dreaming in reality. There are hard facts and hard decisions and not much security at all.


When I find new songs that I think are lyrically speaking directly about me or music that is insane...I put the song on repeat. You can ask anyone that knows me well or has been around me on one of those days. When I say the song goes on repeat...I mean it plays over and over until I'm forced to leave for reasons. Jeff Deyo has written a new song titled "Unveil" and it says what I want to say PLUS the intro is incredible. It's mystifying yet it rocks out beautifully...all in the same intro. Ahhhh, the sense of an on fire worship experience is breathed in through the intro and exhaled in the verse. It is mind blowing yet soothing.

myspace.com/jeffdeyo

I want to touch the world through music... I have so many different opinions being spoken in my ears...constantly. It never stops, there is never a moment to take one person's opinion and run with it. I am a thinker and a decision maker...but when I want to make a big decision I take the controversial ideas that are being brought up by different people and I put the two ideas against themselves...

What do you do when you have ADULTS on both sides telling you two different things?!?!?!? Especially when all of these individuals are highly influential people in my life.
-you'll find your future mate at Liberty -never let go of your dreams -live in reality -pursue your heart -think logically -take a chance -how will you support yourself -there is the right guy out there for you -be rational -after college the fun ends -the possibilities are endless -you can't make money with that major

...and then there are those who you hold their opinion extremely high...and they won't even answer your questions.

Where do you find yourself standing at this exact moment? What are your thoughts about life? Your future is supposedly held by you...in your hands...no one can ever throw their future out the window unless they cut themselves short of even trying by ending their own life...or was that their future?

I do know one thing...we were here to make God look good. The question is...how?