One view of me...

About a year and a half ago someone wrote me this note describing how they saw me and to this day I still read it and find it interesting... My question is do you agree or disagree?

Here we go:

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I see you as a pragmatist.  You care about the results of something more than you care about what it took to get there.  Sometimes, I think, this way of thinking leaves you screwed, but for the most part, it gives you control and something solid to stand on because you are always working towards a goal, and your problem is not how to get there but how long it will take you to get there and how much fun you’ll have along the way.

I see you as a thinker, but one who thinks practically and not wonderingly.  There’s a difference:  I wonder, you think.  You take in the world as a whole, breaking it down when you need to.  If it doesn’t concern you, you don’t bother about it.  Which is to your advantage.  But I think it might leave you in the dark sometimes, which makes it a disadvantage.  You consider reality and come to a conclusion about everything.  You have it all labeled, filed away, and once you’ve figured something out, it stays that way.  You don’t change your mind unless you’re proven wrong.

I see you as a musician, poet, and writer.  I see you as creative, but your creativity is based either on humor or experience.  You’re humor is in your plays and scripts.  Your experience is in the songs and poems. You write to influence but also to get things out of your system because you won’t tell others what you’re feeling unless pointedly asked or forced.  Writing gives you control.  Music lets you express yourself when spoken words can’t.  Music is relatable.

I see you as a strategist.  You plan; oh, man, you know exactly what you’re going to do and how, even if it’s only a spur-of-the-moment thing.  The words you speak can back someone into a corner, manipulate them into telling you what they didn’t want to tell you, probably even get them to do what you want.  This isn’t always bad, but it does suck for whoever you’ve trapped.  You play mind games and you play them well.

I see you as a teacher and leader.  I look up to you and at the same time I see you on my level.  You are good at giving directions and staying focused.  

I see you as a woman after God’s own heart.  And don’t you dare shrug this off as you read it.  I see that you’re passionate about doing God’s will and following Him and holding on to Him when life bites and when it’s going good.  It’s really cool to me that you make sure to stick with God in the good times and the bad.

I see you as a pessimist, more often than not.

I see you as a goofball that loves to have fun.  Who’d take a dare (as long as it was legal) and run with it.  I like your laughs and your sense of humor, your sarcasm, and all the other hilarious stuff you do.

I see you as trustworthy.  Someone I know that I can talk to who won’t say I’m stupid, who will challenge me when I need to be challenged, who will listen when I have to get something off my chest, and who will tell me to shut up and get over something when I’m doing the whole useless crying thing.   I’m learning you’re not going to freak on me if I dare to speak my mind. It’s a HUGE relief, you have no idea.

I see you as intensely irritating and stubborn.  You lead me in circles, you disregard feeling altogether, and you mock people because you despise weakness.  It frustrates me that you’re apathetic. 

Lastly, I see you as my friend.  I see you as someone I want as a part of my life and someone I want to influence me.  I see you as someone “worth knowing”.  Someone who is willing to stick around for the long haul with the right person.  Someone who will help me to grow.  Someone who will listen to me and talk back.  Someone I want to listen to.  Someone who cares.  Someone who sees.  Someone who understands.  Someone to just get past my walls, as I want to get past yours.  

This is how I see you.  If you don’t like it, work to change it.  

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And what would be your thoughts towards this or me? Are you brave enough to speak your mind? Do you think I can handle it?

>the inquisitive Realist

Blacklisted. Your "someday" will never come.

Dear My Former Friend,

Wow, what an unexpected turn of events, yet expected at the same time. I realized that things were slowly deteriorating between us I just didn't know how bad it was until you said "I think this relationship needs to end."

Personally it's the most selfish thing I've ever heard someone say to me and actually mean. I'm not sure as to what you were thinking but of course my response was "as you wish".  

I knew something was up. I knew something was wrong. I knew things were changing. I knew you weren't talking. I realized you were quiet...I just never realized it was bad enough to where you found things not even worthy of working through with me.

As you part and go your separate way I wish you well. I hope you learn from this mistake and move past it. I hope you FACE your fear instead of waiting for it to smack you in the forehead. I hope you learn to speak your problem with someone instead of waiting for things to spiral out of control.  I hope you learn to stop hiding your resentment and instead speak of it. I hope you decide that people are worth actually dealing with instead of cutting them off from you. 

I don't understand your move. It's not the first time you've made this move but each time you ended up alone.

...do you like it there?

You know that someday you spoke of...when that someday comes it'll be me who has sought you out to set the record straight. I personally think you will forever be afraid of me. I think you'll never be able to talk to me like an adult. I think you'll never be able to go to another level with me besides hello.

SOMEDAY I'm going to have the guts to punch you and it's going to sting but it'll feel really good. Someday you'll learn enough from this to actually SEEK ME OUT and TALK to me about all that was on your mind the night you said goodbye. 

See you said that one phrase and didn't bother to explain yourself...because you're afraid. I can't believe I was this blind to your fear this entire time. Every week we talked and not once did I notice. How stupid of me to not be aware that I'm sharing my heart and it's falling on deaf ears that are afraid to give an opinion. Someday you'll realize that Matthew 18 does not say if things aren't going your way end the friendship. You have to actually BRING A PROBLEM to the surface...and then work through it.

My guess though is that you didn't want to work through it. You'd rather keep yourself safe, keep your feelings all tucked away, and keep your heart far away from reality. 

I hope your new best friend can fill all the holes that I apparently created. I hope your new best friend you find worth keeping to where if you have a problem you won't just drop them like you did me.

What's astounding to me is that it didn't hurt me. You saying goodbye has yet to hurt and it probably won't. Guess that means you weren't really worth it. You weren't for the long season. You were meant to dupe me into believing that someone could last in my life forever...yeah right. I guess I'm forever stuck with myself. 

You know it's a good thing my King cares about me like you never have. It's a good thing my King, although He's yours too, loves me a heck of a lot more than you ever did. It's a good thing my King thinks my problems don't have to be huge to matter. It's a good thing my King likes hearing about the mindless things in my day.

...turns out you hated it.

You're blacklisted and those who have been on that side KNOW how stupid it was of them to get there no matter who caused the problem. Those on the blacklist rarely get another chance. Care to be a rarity? Well, you don't get that chance. To cut someone off without explanation means you are a coward and most likely didn't have a good enough reason to make the call but you made it anyways. 

Someday...HA...someday will never come if you have anything to do with it.

P.S.

I copied and saved the note you so kindly wrote me. I've already read it 20 times. Good thing to know you were too coward to say it to my face.

King of MY Heart

What does that one simple phrase mean to you? C’mon, seriously reply to this and give me your thoughts. 

A king is a sole ruler of something and He alone makes the decisions and says what’s okay or not okay. How does that work with Christianity?  Christ, comes into our hearts when? He enters when He’s INVITED.

Wait. Stop. A King, a ruler of the universe, He can only be invited inside?

And once inside this King, He does take over right? Wrong! He still lets us be the rulers of our life and allows us to make the decisions. So how does this whole kingdom thing work? How do you have a King of your heart when you’re still the one in control? Wouldn’t that make YOU the king?

It’s a beautiful thing to think of the amount of freedom we have in Christ, yet at the same time we’re not king. So how exactly how does all that work?

Humility. Submissiveness. Respect. Responsibility. Trust.

Humility.
It means admitting the fact that even though I have complete control over my life, I don’t have any of the answers. Admission that I don’t know how everything is going to turn out. Admission to the fact that the One I call King is bigger than me, stronger than me, and able to carry me through everything that comes my way. Stop. He carries me??? Shouldn’t I be the one carrying the King around, and asking Him what He needs?? 

Submissive.
It means admitting that the will of God for my life is greater than the future I’ve planned out for myself. It means that every thought I’ve had of the next step I should take shouldn’t be taken without stopping to ask the King for direction. 

Respect.
I’ve got to take my hot shot level and dial it down. See even though I’m NOT the king I have a tendency to forget that, well, basically every day of my life. It means waking up every morning and reminding myself that although I have complete and total control…I’m not in control. How confusing, huh?

Responsibility.
It’s time to think about what to do with all of this extreme power I’ve been given.  Throw it away with stupid choices? Now how would that be a wise use of responsibility? Christ gives us the freedom to choose our direction, but He does lay out the path…if we’re looking for it.

Trust.
The control that my King gave me and the freedom that comes with it is useless without trust. I have to trust that MY King HAS the answers to everything. You know that tiny little manual that sits on your nightstand? That thing that holds the answers to life? That book that IS the key to the kingdom? I hope you’re thinking, “oh yeah…the Bible. Duh.”

The whole trust issue goes both ways, you know. Christ trusts us to make the right choices, follow the right path, listen to the right people, blah blah blah. MY KING trusts me SO MUCH…HE GAVE ME ALL THE ANSWERS ALL AT ONE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now what parent has ever done that???? I dare say none! “I’m the mother that’s why.” Ever heard that statement??

Every problem, every fear, every heartache, every joy, every pain… EVERYTHING that we could ever seem to go through we already have the answers on how to handle it. We already hold the KEYS.

 

MY KING lets me be king too. He lets ME make the decisions even though He’s smarter. He lets me think on my own even though He controls the universe. He allows me to be myself and doesn’t require conformity.

MY KING never stops believing in me when I fail. He never kicks me out of the kingdom when I screw up.  He never tells me He’s too busy to see me. He never says I’m not good enough to be a part of His kingdom.

This great King who is so powerful and so great and can do whatever He wants spends time with me…NOT when He demands, but when I simply ask.

Stop real quickly and think of His kingdom. Think of who belongs in His kingdom. The answer is everyone. Think of a king on earth or any story you’ve ever heard of a king. These kingdoms are filled with a people who all look alike, act the same, walk when they’re told, jump when commanded, give up their land when required; and they all do as they’re told.

MY kingdom I can rest whenever I need to. I don’t look like others in my King’s kingdom. I am not required to give anything to my King. IF I ask my King into my life I’m telling Him I WANT to do the things written in His manual.

Wow…

Who wouldn’t want a King like that?

I don’t have to be summoned to talk to my King. I don’t have to wait to talk to my King. My DEMANDS don’t have to be urgent or huge to be brought to my King. Should I even be allowed to demand things?

 

King of my heart… what does my kingdom look like?
Is it fit for MY King?
Is it clean?
Are there areas I have roped off so the King can’t enter? HOW DARE I! Close off part of the kingdom…TO THE KING! You don’t even have to answer to know what’s wrong with that.
Have I shoved so many things into my kingdom that my KING is cramped?
Is there room for me to even reach the throne amidst the garbage I’ve allowed to sit within the walls of my kingdom? Since when does my selfishness trump the KING??

When royalty enters a room you could hear a pin drop as everyone’s breath is taken away. My King has stopped taking my breath away…whose fault is that? Mine.

I am not the sole occupant of my kingdom. I am NOT the king.  I am IN CHARGE yet NOT in control, yet again I AM in control…puzzling. Confusing.

King of MY heart…isn't that an oxymoron? I am not my own.

This Christmas

Christmas. My favorite time of the year literally. I hold high expectations for Christmas. Everything about it has the potential to take my crappy mood and turn it 180. Anything you list about Christmas except shopping...well I LOVE it.

But this Christmas...this Christmas was different. I barely listened to Christmas music, I knew things would be different I just wasn't sure HOW different they would turn out to be until it got here. For one, I didn't have a present for my mom until the very last minute and that was stressful to me. I like things to be perfect for Christmas so when there's a glitch in my plan my world starts to fall apart.

This Christmas I didn't go shopping for anyone but family.
This Christmas was filled of memories of what used to be but would never be again.
This Christmas I couldn't stop trying to look to the future and I wish for things to be.
This Christmas I had a hard time finding joy in anything and I wished for it to be over...luckily on December 26th that wish came true...ha. Christmas is always over for another 364 days on December 26th for those who didn't get it.

Family has changed. The trip to Florida I wanted to be over before it started. I was stressed packing, I didn't get much sleep before hand, and I was just ready to come home before I'd even left! Family circumstances have left me mind boggled for eternity. The way my family keeps changing keeps taking away pieces of my heart and it pains me to think about.

I have SO many questions not for God but for MY FAMILY...and I can't ask them. It wouldn't be right to ask them or it would just cause complete chaos and considering I go to Florida for less than a week I decide to keep peace instead of asking what's really on my mind.

As I look back on how things went this Christmas I'm highly disappointed. I'm hurt. It's things I'll never get over and people I'll never understand. It's the unspoken questions that will haunt me.

New Years Eve has never been a party for me. I've always gone to bed before it came and turned my phone off or I watched the ball drop sitting alone on my couch and then turned off the tv and went to bed. This year I worked Winterfest and I honestly wished I was at home alone watching the ball drop because it's quiet and peaceful that way.

There are certain things about holiday's that society portrays that proves to be untrue when you look at reality and then factor in the key ingredients of your specific family. I hate it.

I guess there's always things to fix and things to work on, but you figure that some things would get pushed aside for the holiday's so that everyone can feel loved and enjoy being around each other...

What was the point of this blog you may ask? Well I had jumbled up thoughts and I needed to get it straight. You may read this and find it was a waste of your time...I don't really care because it probably doesn't pertain to you at all and you probably can't relate. If the latter is what you're thinking then I'm thankful for you that you can't relate.