God where do You want me for this life? Is it time for me to stop searching and just be? Should I accept that I am not where I want to be but I, myself, cannot get to where I need to be? This process is forever and I am now starting to realize this.
I am not okay here but I am okay being with You so I am okay here.
I feel all of my dreams are not worth having because it is a look at what I wish to do and maybe not what You want. I'm lost at what You want because Your Word speaks all You want is me. So I trust I am enough and that all I do, although it is for You, is unnecessary.
All You want is me and all I want from You is security. My security can only be found in Your love. No one can love like You do. I am thankful for that. I am thankful that even as I stand on the shore waiting for a boat that You stand there with me simply asking "Am I enough? Do you trust Me?"
I trust You.
I trust this step I am taking is with You. I trust this next step in life may be for a longer seaons than I wish. My desire shall not trump Your will and if my heart is pure my desire will be You Lord. You are my Savior from evil, my Protector from hurt, my Comfort in pain, and my one true Love. You are ALL I am after. I seek You. When I get to the point of believing this to the core of me I will know that where I am with You doesn't matter as long as I am with You.
So send me to an island. Allow me to focus on You with no distractions. May I not be so concerned with money, a job, my car, or my future that I can't see or hear You. I am sorry I lost focus. Thank you for this moment of clarity.
If parents are my distraction please silence them. I f You are speaking through them please kill the stubborness within me so that I may hear You. If church is my distraction take it away. If that is where You are calling me, open my eyes that I may see opportunity to serve not selfish desire.
All I need is You.
May that truth burn into my heart that I never again forget. I am not lost when I am with You. Lord don't ever let me lose sight of that please.
Lord teach me to see the good in the short seasons and not wish for more. May I be grateful for that time. Father bless those that have spoken so deeply into my life over the past few months. May I never forget the truth they spoke, the hope they gave, and the encouragement they were to me. I love them so deeply.
Jesus I love You. Lord, You are my strength. You are my hope. You are my love, and I need nothing else.
> eyes wide open, Realist
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Wigged out.
I spoke to many people today about many things...one person spoke wrong. It still bugs me. I will not let it affect me. I didn't do anything wrong. I just don't get people sometimes. They try to speak life into me or correct me and it ends up an epic fail. Really??? It's one of those I KNOW it'll never come up again because I am MORE than ready to face this. If it comes up I'm gonna speak my mind...or at least that's what the me inside my head would do. I'd like to think I have the boldness to speak on this issue as much as it needs to be spoken on. Vague...I know, but it's one of those you never know who is really reading this.
Oh what the heck here's my question: Do you believe there are many different ways to worship in the midst of suffering?
> the emotionally exhausted, Realist
"I'm proud to praise God. Fearless now, I trust in God; what can mere mortals do to me?" -Psalm 56:10-11
"I'm proud to praise God. Fearless now, I trust in God; what can mere mortals do to me?" -Psalm 56:10-11
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Seek and you will find (It's a promise)
I find myself at this current time incredibly lost and quite emotional. Yesterday I put out my "fleece" (Judges 6:36-40) before God saying I need a deliberate, obvious sign as to whether I should stay or go and if go, go where.This feeling of having a lack of direction hasn't stopped since I graduated and couldn't find a teaching job.
...I still feel clueless.
My current (non-paying) position is being dissolved. I understand it and it totally is necessary at this moment in time it just leaves me wondering if this is still where I need to be. Although there's still a place for me to serve it's not completely what I would like to be doing.
I KNOW for my life this is not it for me it's just figuring out when is the right time for me to leave.
This feeling within me is shifting...I'm finally beginning to feel a stirring within me yet it's all muddy and foggy and still direction less. I feel unsettled. I have never had to rely on the Lord in faith of this magnitude my entire life. Even when I got kicked off YQ I still had school which meant I still had direction/purpose so I was okay. I just had more time to work on school with no extracurricular activities. In other words, it didn't take much reliance on God I just had to have the faith to believe there was a purpose. Took me 2 years to see the purpose.
I heard a message last Thursday from a pastor talking about not jumping ship. My thing is...am I even in a ship to jump out of??? I see myself standing on the shore looking out at the entire ocean praying for a ship to come so that I can find purpose.
At the same time I can see myself as the disciples on the boat during the storm. They could hardly see their hand in front of their face so it's no wonder they thought Jesus was a ghost walking on the water. It wasn't until Jesus was close to the boat they recognized Him. Am I looking out into the crashing waves waiting to finally see Jesus so I can take that step of faith OUT of the boat towards Him???
...or am I not in the boat?
One thing I know for sure...His love never fails and as long as I continue to seek after Him eventually I. WILL. find. Him. THAT is truth my friends. I KNOW He is sitting here with me as I struggle to figure this all out.
I pray that when the sign comes I will see it and know what I need to do. I pray the Lord will find favor in my passion to serve Him wherever He sends me.
I'm only 24, so it's pretty clear to me this isn't the end which means SOMETHING is coming next...I'm just not to the "next" yet. It's also one of those I want the new season to come but once I'm in the new season will I still be glad I fought so hard to get to the new season? The "meantime" as much of a trial it is now, holds purpose I cannot yet see...but it does hold purpose. So Lord I seek You with all of my heart.
...who knows maybe this "meantime" was simply meant just for me to meet my future husband ;)
> the seeking Realist
"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all of your heart." Jeremiah 29:13
...I still feel clueless.
My current (non-paying) position is being dissolved. I understand it and it totally is necessary at this moment in time it just leaves me wondering if this is still where I need to be. Although there's still a place for me to serve it's not completely what I would like to be doing.
I KNOW for my life this is not it for me it's just figuring out when is the right time for me to leave.
This feeling within me is shifting...I'm finally beginning to feel a stirring within me yet it's all muddy and foggy and still direction less. I feel unsettled. I have never had to rely on the Lord in faith of this magnitude my entire life. Even when I got kicked off YQ I still had school which meant I still had direction/purpose so I was okay. I just had more time to work on school with no extracurricular activities. In other words, it didn't take much reliance on God I just had to have the faith to believe there was a purpose. Took me 2 years to see the purpose.
I heard a message last Thursday from a pastor talking about not jumping ship. My thing is...am I even in a ship to jump out of??? I see myself standing on the shore looking out at the entire ocean praying for a ship to come so that I can find purpose.
At the same time I can see myself as the disciples on the boat during the storm. They could hardly see their hand in front of their face so it's no wonder they thought Jesus was a ghost walking on the water. It wasn't until Jesus was close to the boat they recognized Him. Am I looking out into the crashing waves waiting to finally see Jesus so I can take that step of faith OUT of the boat towards Him???
...or am I not in the boat?
One thing I know for sure...His love never fails and as long as I continue to seek after Him eventually I. WILL. find. Him. THAT is truth my friends. I KNOW He is sitting here with me as I struggle to figure this all out.
I pray that when the sign comes I will see it and know what I need to do. I pray the Lord will find favor in my passion to serve Him wherever He sends me.
I'm only 24, so it's pretty clear to me this isn't the end which means SOMETHING is coming next...I'm just not to the "next" yet. It's also one of those I want the new season to come but once I'm in the new season will I still be glad I fought so hard to get to the new season? The "meantime" as much of a trial it is now, holds purpose I cannot yet see...but it does hold purpose. So Lord I seek You with all of my heart.
...who knows maybe this "meantime" was simply meant just for me to meet my future husband ;)
> the seeking Realist
"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all of your heart." Jeremiah 29:13
Monday, September 20, 2010
The Shower Revelation
Call me crazy but a slight bit of my personality involves reviewing past conversations I've had with people when a statement I made sounded out-of-line or a statement they made struck a nerve, etc. That's the background information. Here's the foreground, you know those times when you review said conversations that truth speaks in the most unforeseen moment...well that happened while I was in the shower. Typical.
So here's the story. I was talking to a friend at church yesterday about kids and the frustrations they bring when they pitch fits or are always cranky or they always want something and you can never keep them happy for very long. I finished the conversation by saying to this friend "...and this is why I hate kids."
As I replayed that line in my head this morning, in the shower, I was replaying the fact that here's what I meant by that statement. I hate kids when they cry, whine, pitch fits, or repeatedly ask for something as soon as you've taken a seat on the couch. Or those times when they're still pitching a fit AFTER you've already placed their juice in front of them they just haven't seen it yet...the cold side of me wants to say to them "um, hello don't you see it in front of you?? Dude, knock it off!" It makes me want to just squeeze them sometimes and say I LOVE YOU ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?!?! You have my attention and yes I've been watching you do the same thing 300 times and you still look for my "good job" approval when I already gave it to you 299 times before!
And it hit me...in the shower...our heavenly Father, feels the same way. How many times do we ask God for something, demand a change, scream in frustration, or cry in anger at the fact that things aren't going our way? We pitch a fit when the result doesn't come fast enough from prayer or when we don't see the "juice" right in front of us. We do something that makes us proud and then look to God for approval and a "good job" when it's a command we should do without praise because it is what God has asked in His Word. Or what about the alone feeling we get so often...because we think we need human comfort to not feel alone...how do you think that makes the Creator of the universe feel?
God the Father sent His son to DIE for us...and that never seems to be enough. That much love poured out and I, in my selfish ways, still ask for more. Seriously??? Have I lost my mind?? At times, but the Father still loves me. He still cares about me THE SAME. Nothing changes with Him. His amount of love is the same. He treats me the same. He watches me the same...always.
It is in these moments I'm reminded...through a child...that I, at times, are still one myself. I still have things I need to work on and pursue Christ as He pursued me. I need to grow from some of my childlike ways into a mature Christ-follower who loves the Lord and doesn't pitch fits over the little things or wallow in the feeling of being alone...because it's only a feeling. God is there and will never leave me and it's written in His Word.
I love the Lord with all that is within me and I praise His name. I am thankful for these moments of revelation and how much the Lord loves me.
> the quiet, Realist
So here's the story. I was talking to a friend at church yesterday about kids and the frustrations they bring when they pitch fits or are always cranky or they always want something and you can never keep them happy for very long. I finished the conversation by saying to this friend "...and this is why I hate kids."
As I replayed that line in my head this morning, in the shower, I was replaying the fact that here's what I meant by that statement. I hate kids when they cry, whine, pitch fits, or repeatedly ask for something as soon as you've taken a seat on the couch. Or those times when they're still pitching a fit AFTER you've already placed their juice in front of them they just haven't seen it yet...the cold side of me wants to say to them "um, hello don't you see it in front of you?? Dude, knock it off!" It makes me want to just squeeze them sometimes and say I LOVE YOU ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?!?! You have my attention and yes I've been watching you do the same thing 300 times and you still look for my "good job" approval when I already gave it to you 299 times before!
And it hit me...in the shower...our heavenly Father, feels the same way. How many times do we ask God for something, demand a change, scream in frustration, or cry in anger at the fact that things aren't going our way? We pitch a fit when the result doesn't come fast enough from prayer or when we don't see the "juice" right in front of us. We do something that makes us proud and then look to God for approval and a "good job" when it's a command we should do without praise because it is what God has asked in His Word. Or what about the alone feeling we get so often...because we think we need human comfort to not feel alone...how do you think that makes the Creator of the universe feel?
God the Father sent His son to DIE for us...and that never seems to be enough. That much love poured out and I, in my selfish ways, still ask for more. Seriously??? Have I lost my mind?? At times, but the Father still loves me. He still cares about me THE SAME. Nothing changes with Him. His amount of love is the same. He treats me the same. He watches me the same...always.
It is in these moments I'm reminded...through a child...that I, at times, are still one myself. I still have things I need to work on and pursue Christ as He pursued me. I need to grow from some of my childlike ways into a mature Christ-follower who loves the Lord and doesn't pitch fits over the little things or wallow in the feeling of being alone...because it's only a feeling. God is there and will never leave me and it's written in His Word.
I love the Lord with all that is within me and I praise His name. I am thankful for these moments of revelation and how much the Lord loves me.
> the quiet, Realist
Monday, September 6, 2010
Misunderstood
It doesn't matter what I do the results are still the same. I soften my tone, I watch what I say, I'm careful how I respond, and I try to smile a lot...and I still screw things up.
Anytime I try to put a little bit of me in there the result is less than desired. And I always find out about it months later after I've become comfortable where I'm at. Once I've found a few who I trust and can have fun with the rest is unimportant...until it all blows up.
I just don't understand why the perception of me being cold and closed off is still completely evident after years of changing my ways. Will it ever end? Will the outcome ever be different?
What the hell is wrong with just wanting to be friendly and not wanting to share deep, dark secrets??? Is that such a crime? For goodness sake, if you want to get to know me do and if not whatever but must you spend time trying to figure me out WITHOUT TALKING TO ME?
Sorry but that's not the way things work. I'm misunderstood daily and thank GOD I've come to terms with that and it doesn't penetrate like it used to. That's not a problem, the constantly getting hurt was the problem. Being misunderstood takes trial and error and right now I'm in the error category. Tried for 3 months. Failed...realized today just how far I failed. Failure is okay and that doesn't bother me it's how to deal with it and why I always have to go fix "problems" I didn't create. Those that ASSumed or took their first impression of me and sized me up according to that are the ones who need to either shut their mouth or talk to me.
Are there no guts left in the world that can handle holding a conversation with an intimidating person. A person who has worked and worked and worked and worked (andthatsthewholereasontheyneverplaysports) at not being so intimidating.
Heck this summer I had less authority than I've had in years and I still screwed things up. I wasn't even in charge and could just hang out and I screwed that up. Great.
SO that leaves me currently re-assessing where I'm at and if at Thanksgiving I just need to get the heck out of somewhere I'm obviously not wanted minus my skills and abilities.
> frustrated Realist
Anytime I try to put a little bit of me in there the result is less than desired. And I always find out about it months later after I've become comfortable where I'm at. Once I've found a few who I trust and can have fun with the rest is unimportant...until it all blows up.
I just don't understand why the perception of me being cold and closed off is still completely evident after years of changing my ways. Will it ever end? Will the outcome ever be different?
What the hell is wrong with just wanting to be friendly and not wanting to share deep, dark secrets??? Is that such a crime? For goodness sake, if you want to get to know me do and if not whatever but must you spend time trying to figure me out WITHOUT TALKING TO ME?
Sorry but that's not the way things work. I'm misunderstood daily and thank GOD I've come to terms with that and it doesn't penetrate like it used to. That's not a problem, the constantly getting hurt was the problem. Being misunderstood takes trial and error and right now I'm in the error category. Tried for 3 months. Failed...realized today just how far I failed. Failure is okay and that doesn't bother me it's how to deal with it and why I always have to go fix "problems" I didn't create. Those that ASSumed or took their first impression of me and sized me up according to that are the ones who need to either shut their mouth or talk to me.
Are there no guts left in the world that can handle holding a conversation with an intimidating person. A person who has worked and worked and worked and worked (andthatsthewholereasontheyneverplaysports) at not being so intimidating.
Heck this summer I had less authority than I've had in years and I still screwed things up. I wasn't even in charge and could just hang out and I screwed that up. Great.
SO that leaves me currently re-assessing where I'm at and if at Thanksgiving I just need to get the heck out of somewhere I'm obviously not wanted minus my skills and abilities.
> frustrated Realist
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