I find myself at this current time incredibly lost and quite emotional. Yesterday I put out my "fleece" (Judges 6:36-40) before God saying I need a deliberate, obvious sign as to whether I should stay or go and if go, go where.This feeling of having a lack of direction hasn't stopped since I graduated and couldn't find a teaching job.
...I still feel clueless.
My current (non-paying) position is being dissolved. I understand it and it totally is necessary at this moment in time it just leaves me wondering if this is still where I need to be. Although there's still a place for me to serve it's not completely what I would like to be doing.
I KNOW for my life this is not it for me it's just figuring out when is the right time for me to leave.
This feeling within me is shifting...I'm finally beginning to feel a stirring within me yet it's all muddy and foggy and still direction less. I feel unsettled. I have never had to rely on the Lord in faith of this magnitude my entire life. Even when I got kicked off YQ I still had school which meant I still had direction/purpose so I was okay. I just had more time to work on school with no extracurricular activities. In other words, it didn't take much reliance on God I just had to have the faith to believe there was a purpose. Took me 2 years to see the purpose.
I heard a message last Thursday from a pastor talking about not jumping ship. My thing is...am I even in a ship to jump out of??? I see myself standing on the shore looking out at the entire ocean praying for a ship to come so that I can find purpose.
At the same time I can see myself as the disciples on the boat during the storm. They could hardly see their hand in front of their face so it's no wonder they thought Jesus was a ghost walking on the water. It wasn't until Jesus was close to the boat they recognized Him. Am I looking out into the crashing waves waiting to finally see Jesus so I can take that step of faith OUT of the boat towards Him???
...or am I not in the boat?
One thing I know for sure...His love never fails and as long as I continue to seek after Him eventually I. WILL. find. Him. THAT is truth my friends. I KNOW He is sitting here with me as I struggle to figure this all out.
I pray that when the sign comes I will see it and know what I need to do. I pray the Lord will find favor in my passion to serve Him wherever He sends me.
I'm only 24, so it's pretty clear to me this isn't the end which means SOMETHING is coming next...I'm just not to the "next" yet. It's also one of those I want the new season to come but once I'm in the new season will I still be glad I fought so hard to get to the new season? The "meantime" as much of a trial it is now, holds purpose I cannot yet see...but it does hold purpose. So Lord I seek You with all of my heart.
...who knows maybe this "meantime" was simply meant just for me to meet my future husband ;)
> the seeking Realist
"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all of your heart." Jeremiah 29:13
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