Take me back...just for a moment

Last night I walked outside to get something out of my car. For once, although it's winter, it didn't feel that cold. I paused as I opened my passenger door and looked up into the sky. Man...the stars were so beautiful! The constellations produced a gorgeous display of God's creativity across the black canvas!

I couldn't help but stop and look around me. I was reminded of the good times. I remember when I used to sit outside with friends till 1 or 2am just talking. We'd bring out the lawn chairs from the garage and just hang out and deepen our friendships. It was awesome. Those were some times of good I'll never forget, and always wish I could go back to...just for a moment. I just want to go back to that feeling.

It seems the places that I go back and visit are filled with reminders of what things used to be. I like change and I don't mind it...sometimes. I do hate, when I go back and look at pictures and think to that time, and notice how those people are no longer in my life, or the way things started with that picture being taken...is not how things are now. It's hard to realize that God's plan is bigger, and some changes, though they may be bad RIGHT now, later on when the end result comes, will show God's power and wisdom.

Everywhere you go you will find memories. For me there are certain roads that I drive around in town that I can think back to a specific situation where something that happened either strengthened my relationship with someone...or it's where the friendship ended. There is a point in our lives that everyone has to pause and finally believe that without Christ we would not have the strength to take our next step.

At Thomas Road last week, Jonathan read a story that came from my extended family. My aunt was in the kitchen and she turned to her kids (my cousins) and asked "who will help me unload the dishwasher?" There was silence coming from my cousins and so she paused for a moment then she turned and asked the question again "who will help me unload the dishwasher?" My cousin Michael, who is 7 years old, yelled out from in the living room "Not I, but Christ!” Hahahaha, I was laughing so hard when I heard this story! You know, it means just one thing...even the children are paying attention in church!

Okay, so that was random and off topic, but it was hilarious and the one statement of Not I, but Christ fits. Christ has a plan, Christ will always have His way in your life, and I’m just learning to take His path instead of the scenic route...

Sometimes the floor is all that smells good...

Some things aren't as easy to get over as they seem. At first when you feel you have finally conquered your one vice, it's a great feeling. It seems that that specific thing that was holding you down was permanently gone...until it reappears.

So you cause conflict or resolve bitterness, you move on, you deal with it instead of putting it off hoping that by some chance THIS will be the final thing that solves those problems...and it doesn't work.

You've already given it up to God. You know you can't fight the battle alone. You go for a while and things seem great...until something happens...and what's sad is it doesn't even have to be something specific...just something...and it ruins everything. And you find yourself sitting in the puddle of mud that you started in. And honestly you just want to cry because you are out of options, nothing makes sense, and that feeling...that hurt/upset/disgusting feeling won't go away.

Nothing helps. nothing will ever change the outcome. You changing yourself and the way you think doesn't seem to help. Nothing is working. Nothing is changing, things just seem to be going backwards instead of forwards. You had a big discussion that has brought everything out in the open and you walked away knowing there was no more problem between the two of you, yet things now seem WORSE!?!?!?!

Why. that's not supposed to be how it works. THAT doesn't make sense. THAT was not what was supposed to happen.

I'm out of options, because I think sometimes people don't realize that giving it up to God isn't enough to change the outcome. The devil is alive and well people and he sticks around just to see you fall again...and again...and again. And he'll sit there and laugh at you when you can't stand your own ground. He'll laugh when you can't beat the one vice that is driving you away from the people you love and the things you are called to do. And it sucks really bad. And it hurts, and the end result is you are left sitting on the floor of your room with this feeling of helpless despair and you don't know how to express yourself but to just lay on the floor face down in complete silence. Inside you are screaming at yourself to get over it, move on, you can't fix this. This is permanent and there is no changing it.

And forever you realize you will be left without the one thing you've been striving after your entire life. And when you let that sink in...you cry out in anger and pain...and slowly slip into sleep...afraid of what the morning holds.