As I go back and read my posts I must seem like the moodiest person on the planet as I go back and forth between joy and trial. Every day is a battle whether I'm winning or losing...it's still a battle.
I have no job. I don't know what I'm going to do for a job. Today I took the first step in looking for a job outside of a school system and I was completely shut down. No hope, no options, no come back later...just a no.
I am completely lost. I'm frustrated and disheartened.
I'm hurting and feel completely and utterly baffled at the fact that I cannot find a job.
It's an emotional thing and my emotions have completely taken over. I can barely THINK about job stuff without losing it...so you can only imagine what it's like when somebody asks me about it. I have to immediately put up walls so I don't just crumble as I'm crumbling inside.
"No matter how I feel inside, You know my heart and feel its cry." -Celebration Church Music.
I just heard this line as I'm typing this. How true and necessary. It is a small reminder that God is here, He's with me, and He's in control...it just doesn't feel like it.
It doesn't help that I have nagging individuals who, it feels, are constantly breathing down my neck about finding a job. It's like they think I'm just sitting around with my feet propped up doing nothing but watching Hulu and drinking soda all day. It's a hard conversation that's gonna have to happen before the end of this month...I'm just putting it off and in the process of me putting it off it's killing my insides.
I do fine trusting the Lord until someone brings it to my intention the "reality" of the situation. I do good in doing my part in searching and not stressing or worrying about it in the midst of things. Everyone else is the one who doesn't do well with it. It just sucks.
Jobs hire from the inside and well I just got out of college so duh I'm not on the inside. Therefore I'm overlooked for every position and they won't even give me a chance. It doesn't matter what's on my resume or application or whether I call them or go see them...some just can't understand that.
I keep getting these bad headaches/jaw pain/neck and shoulder tension. It's all from this lack of a job. It was getting better until the urgency of it being August and me not having any options arrived.
It all comes down to this. I don't know what's going on. I have no direction except what seems to be my selfish desire to stay where I am and deal with it. I don't wanna go home...ever again. That's the gist of it. I'm in a tough place in life one that I saw coming from miles away and still couldn't prepare for it. Which just goes to show that seeing the future isn't going to change the present.
Lord as much as I know You are all I need You know my heart. You see my frustration. You see my fear. You feel my pain. You see my future just as you have seen my past. You know I trust You in the midst of this trial, yet it does not change the so-called "reality". Only You change the reality. Help me to understand what I need to learn to leave this current place I plead.
I stand in the midst of a desert alone and not alone. I will admit for the first time ever I see no light at the end. I experience joy unrelated to the issue, but I see no end. I see no light.
> the Realist...sitting in the dark
1 comment:
Dude. One word for the situation: Sucks.
But I'm praying that the Lord would open the doors of opportunity and find you faithful. I pray He would give you peace for each moment, patience for the people breathing down your neck, discernment for the opportunities that WILL arise, and continuous faith. I also pray for a healing for your physical pain. Be encouraged.
Deut. 2:7
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